Men Are Like Rings

By: Clare Shaffer 2nd year student at UNC

                Rings come in a plethora of shapes, sizes and colors, and the general consensus seems to be that you can never possess too many of them. You can have one for each finger, or more if you like, perhaps even alternating rings for each day of the week; you know, to keep things interesting. In high school, rings can be traded along with other jewelry among close friends. There are a number of girls that appear to be sporting a new ring each time you encounter them and, conversely, there are others who never seem switch out their rings at all.
             A good ring should possess certain admirable qualities. The way it fits is, of course, of utmost importance. It should be snuggly wrapped around your finger, though not to the point that it cuts off circulation. Needless to say, a ring should not fit loosely enough to risk falling off. A good ring should make you feel pretty. It should often complement what you are wearing, your other jewelry and, if it is a particularly well-selected ring, perhaps even your eyes. It ought to be exceptionally pleasant to look at, and can be expected to incite a certain number of envious glances from your peers. Some have proven to be of use when engaged in fights and certain types of rings even boast the unique ability to perceive your current mood, both of which can be rather advantageous features.
       There are, naturally, numerous problems to contend with concerning rings. Some are too flashy, some too subdued. Many are cheaper than they look, and quite a few turn out to be fakes. Several are hopelessly tacky. Some are too used, break easily, or simply begin to rub the wrong way after a time. Occasionally, a ring will become stuck and remain clinging tenaciously to your flesh no matter how patient or, when rendered necessary, vicious your attempts to remove it may be. Most rings tend to hinder a number of simple activities and should be accordingly removed before cooking or cleaning. They habitually become lost, and the finest of them are occasionally stolen. A few sparkle so distractingly in the sunlight that they are best worn only on cloudy days (or in towns conveniently named after dining utensils) to avoid complete fixation and inability to focus. A warning to those who prefer multiple rings: if you keep too many in close proximity they may eventually collide with one another, generating undesirable friction and even damaging each other.
Finding the right ring is an intricate, exasperating and sometimes seemingly senseless process. It demands colossal amounts of time and effort but can, ultimately, be quite rewarding. Rings can be found in countless places. You may encounter them while walking the fluorescent aisles of Target, in the perfumed corridors of your local mall, or while visiting a foreign country. You may even find them online but, unfortunately, the pictures often turn out to be far more impressive than the actual product. Depending on your taste, it may be of worth to note that older rings that are still in good condition can be worth much more than newer rings. A simple way to check for quality is to always have more serious purchases appraised by experts and approved by friends. If the occasion presents itself, you may also wish to converse with previous owners for positive or negative reviews. In your search for the perfect ring, never forget that all of them need a woman to clean them up.
          Rings and men are remarkably similar in numerous ways. They serve a few of the same purposes and share many of the same flaws. There are, however, some things that rings cannot do. Rings cannot give big, warm hugs. They cannot lend you their jacket if you are shivering. They cannot give you flowers or chocolate or cute stuffed animals or take you out to fancy dinners for Valentine’s Day. They cannot listen to your problems (if you tried to talk to a ring, you would likely show up in a film with a bunch of hobbits and ruggedly gorgeous men) and they cannot make you feel better when you are a step away from losing your mind. They cannot appreciate inside jokes. They cannot open doors, pull out chairs or heartily assert that chivalry is not dead — just sleeping. They cannot hold your hand or put their arm around you. And yet when you lose them your heart drops inside your chest for a moment as you notice the empty space on your finger, much the same as it drops when you realize that the phone is not going to ring tonight, and know that you have lost something far more valuable.

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